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the brightness of a winter's night....@@

it's so bright!!!!
... or so i wanted to say.

the moment i opened my eyes after the lady had chopped my bangs... it was... blinding =w=

when i was thinking of how i wanted my cut prior to going to the hairdresser's..... i thought i told myself.. no bob-heads... no bob-heads... but somehow.. it turned out more or less into a bobhead @@..

... and an extra completely unrelated note..... i think i'm losing loootsss of hair... i really didnt have much hair for the lady to cut @____@ I"M GOING BALD! OTL i'm too young to go bald TT^TT ... i bet its the malnutrition, weird sleeping... and poihapses the overdoses of coffee and tea ...=P okay okay~ whatever. i'll try to change that... =S .. though that instant noodle i had for dinner doesn't really show...

my balding aside...8D this time i took a before and after picture for fun! so brace yourselves!!

before ----> after



i gotta say....... it's not quite .... my style.....but.. niether before or after was my style... so maybe it'll get better with a bit of time?? @@ OTL
and now to make it all better~! i have random pictures from when mom was away~!! when the heater was gone... when.... pigpig came to play ~ ahahah


when we were covered in layers and layers of jackets and blankets... (found out later that the heater had a broken part so it wasn't working... OTL)

eating our just cooked curry osaka-style... with the raw egg~. mmm~ so good~ ♥the curry was 'golden curry -hot'.. i recommend it! =] i stuffed LOADS of veges in there too~ and made a HUGE pot.. so gub and i would actually get our veges... =w= i hope she actually ate it... and not that i ate it all =P

i believe i have more pictures somewhere... but.... bah~ these were taken from otakkyun~ which was actually.. very very ベンRI =P we were listening to music on it so it was on the table.. we pushed it over to the opposite side.. and it takes a perfect picture ♥

anyhhow~ thats my update for the day! ... i've really slacked off here havent i? =P

art centre...college of design?!?

today was a long day.... infact, it felt so long.. i almost thought what i did this morning..happened yesterday just now @@ but really.. it was only this morning @@ started it off with volunteering at sensei's place... but huge fail on my part... i messed up the schedules because i totally neglected that it's friday and that they have a different schedule on friday.. =( and... i just realized.. this is my first time going in on a normal friday. before i went in one other friday when i was invited to watch the gr 12 class present their brochures on 旅行 .. but all the otherweeks.. something happened and they all ended up being tues thurs weeks of day 2 classes... =S

in anycase... so that was that.. and oh~ today was report card day.. so i helped out with that a bit... and then then i came home after...

reflection of volunteering for now.... i guess.. is to learn to relax...? sensei keeps telling me not to feel obliged to do stuff because it's volunteering... and that i should take breaks and not work too hard =S kedo the second part.. okay..but the first part, i feel it's more of responsibility... ? =S i dont know.. i just hope i'm not causing her any troubles ... esp for the second part... if i make her uncomfortable b/c i do too much ... esp during lunch then i'll feel so bad >< but it's just that i like to finish what i start so i dont leave things half-done for her to pickup right? and since there's that lunch break, it's perfect! ... i need to be more... wats that word.... okay let me restate it cuz i'm at a wordblock.. i need to take the initiative to work in class more though... versus doing what the service students do... i mean marking and entering marks.. they do it all the time. and wrapping books etc... sensei was telling me last weeek too, that she wants me to help her with co-teaching more than the other random jobs *sigh* i'm so glad it's her that i'm working for .... she's just so awesome... if it was someone else, or if i was taking education or something.. i swear i would've gotten laid off... orz... MUST IMPROVE!! =]

that aside... came home. had lunch (had some of that huuuge pot of "golden curry" that i made last week... with some bread..) while watcing tv with mom who came home just last night <3

then we headed off~ to dt to pick up mom's sparkling new passport.~ then she took me to art class <3 and.... orz class went from 4..... until 6 like usual, but tonight was speshbo.. we had 2 guests come in to talk to us and look at certain students' portfolios... and apparently these two ppl are representatives from Art Centre: College of Design... (and i thought it was 'art centre: institute of art and design' this WHOLE TIME... O____O) and they gave us a long talk about the institute and the different faculties and facilities and stuff... it was very interesting =] and then some of the ppl were freaking out before they arrived =P i was secretly .. uber glad i didn't have to show them my stuff... i really have nothing to show.. TT____TT..... in anycase, although art centre seems as great as i've heard it to be.. if not even better after tonight....... i feel like something's been confirmed... art centre isn't for me. weird eh? usually when i go to these conferences / presentations..... i get so hmmm drawn to it? that i just have this huge new obsession about going there...? but not this time. i mean it's uber tempting.. and it seemed verry interesting and verrryyyyy awesome. but at the same time, after hearing all their speeches... i realized.. that although they do touch on my subjects... they dont focus on them. they touch on it and i'm sure they'd be an awesome start to it.. but they dont seem to offer enough in that area to convince me over. that being said.. i've been thinking a little..... have i become more stuckup with my ideals of which institutes i want to go to? or... have i gotten more assertive of what i want? ... or maybe i've grown up a little instead... and wont believe in every single commercial i see on tv like i used to? =P i'm hoping it's the second more than the other two =P

on monday night... apparently thre will be more guests... i wonder where they'll be from ~ =] ..
apparently the people from art centre.. asked to come by @___@ apppparently it's because quite a few of their students are actually from the studio so they've become quite interested? and as there's the international portfolio day... TOMORROW (O_____O didn't know until tonight.. =w=) i guess they decided to devote an evening to us before that... which is extremely awesome of them of course~ but.... wow.. somehow suddenly the studio seems so much more than i thought it to be @___@

must work hard! goal is to finish by march! dunno when in march.. but march!! i'm so far behind but i'm workin on it!!! i'm gonna start workin on stuff at home again.. no more pure グータラ-ing anymore at night... no more super lazy me..it's time to get back in the act.... i've taken such a long break... i mean winter break i'm sure i'll slack a bit.. but still... nuh uh.. i'll slack during winter break. but that's it. time to get my act together!!! >=]

plan plan plan! i wanna get a job! probably part time but i want to get a job! i need some sort of income. i need some sort of work. but i cna't do it with my schedule like it is right now.. so i can only do it after i finish my portfolio +________+ volunteer will go until june unless anything sudden comes up @@ but that's okay working around that schedule alone is still doable ... but not if i got art classes too ++ so i'm gonna work hard and finish it. and hten i cankeep improving it.. but i can get a job... ....... and it so isn't just for that guitar i was drooling over the other day at tom lee's i feel so guilty for being such a leech you know? esp knowin that i'll be spending loads on art lateron.. TT______TT... OH! apparently i might be applying for my master's for art instead of the second bachelor's that it hought i'd be going for @@ cool eh? i wonder how it works... =S

and.. as a super random fact.... apparently.. one of the assistant teachers.... (well.... not just one but...).. the one that's been helping me with my storyboard the most... i think his name's brian? ... he never knew i was done high school... let alone university HAHA. i found that amazingly awesome funny tonight when i saw his face change =P he was asking me... 'how did you find the presentation just now? were you able to keep up with it all?' and i said.. 'yeah.... more or less.. got lost a little somwhere in the middle =w=' and he said.... 'haha yeah if you can keep up with that presentation then you'll be ready for college'... and i blanked. ha? college? .... so i asked him to repeat because sometimes i dont catch him right... so he repeats and i go...'ohh~~ haha i'm done! *phew*'( inside i was thinking... i got lost... but i still finished uni... can you imagine how i did it? yeeaahh that's right.. i slept through most of those lectures =w= HAHA) ... and his face... went O______O what? hahaha and then this other assistant teacher dude comes in and then a few other ppl in the room... all turn around.. and go.....' WHAT?' and apparently.. a bunch of girls... thought they were at least a year or two older than me.... but infact...... they're around 4-6 years younger.... orz maybe the age gap's why they never really talk to me =_____= now they have a whole new gap to think about before they talk to me..... i bet i'm gonna be a loner HAHAHAH j/k age gap is definately not the only thing...*siigh* we're just puzzle pieces from different puzzles =P

but in any case, it seems like life at the studio's gotten a lot more enjoyable lately =] maybe it's the stuff i'm doing.. maybe it's the different assistant teachers... maybe it's the 'no idea book for me' ... maybe it's cuz i have this crazy girl to talk to now... maybe cuz i'm just a lot less tired... maybe it could be something else... but i might just be enjoying it again... =] yaye~!!!

okay okay.... somehow my short blurb of art centre lecture... turnedinto a sum of my day , a report on volunteering... and a mash of weird info about the studio... i think... i beter end it here.... and i can go try out tat ゲゲゲの鬼太郎game +______+.... but i should sleep.. hehe... =w=,,,,,,,
近期考古學家在 伯利恆找到關於聖經的文獻,經過一短時間的研究,他們發現了驚世的描述。除了記載了米 的栽種過,還記述 了主,耶穌生前的最後的晚餐的情景。 原來晚餐的主餐 為 飯!!! 所以得出一下的結論:
- 吃飯者得永生:
耶穌能起死回生是因為他的 “ 最後的晚餐” 裡面有吃到飯

- 吃了飯會百戰百勝。。。。 你今晚食o左未?

- canucks...after the rice.

reporter pigpig: 今天晚上是期待已久的NHL季度賽。 根據過去的賽果, Canucks隊從頭帶尾都奪得大部分 比賽的勝利。 今天非常幸運我可以對 他們進行訪問。

隊長XX說: ”今天晚上是季度賽, 隊員們都很興奮。我們都很有信心可以取得勝利。“

pigpig, “相信你們對上年的賽果不太滿意,那麼你們今年反敗為勝的秘技是甚麼呢?”

隊長XX:“我們今年學會了扒飯這一招。以前每逢開賽前的那一餐,我們吃的是hamburger或是steak。可是我們開竅了。我們現在開賽前吃的一定會是一頓飯。“

reporter pigpig:那麼你們今年可說是戰無不勝了吧?

隊長XX: 哈哈哈!!那是當然的!!但是現在令我最興奮是晚取到勝利以後可以去吃的那頓慶工飯!能吃到那頓飯的話,就真的要感謝主了!

reporter pigpig: 主?為甚麼突然要特別的感謝祂呢?

隊長XX: 在上個季度的完結之後, 正當我最失落的時候, 主拯救了我。 在我失落難以入睡的一晚, 祂出現在我的夢里,祂一手拿著一個我看不清 的東西,然後笑著對我笑,“吃飯吧! 吃飯能獲得重生。“ 然後祂就把 祂上的東西送到我手上。 原來是一碗 熱辣辣,看似 非常美味的白飯。 第二天醒 過 來的時候, 應該聽取主的指引。 有一天, 我的鄰居們的家里傳來一陣飯香,我終於忍受不了引誘,到了他們 家的門口,然後問了一句:你們是不是煮了飯?我可以要一碗嗎?。。。他們家的女兒口裡咬住飯勺,剛好從門口走過,看了我一眼之後就快快從門口走開了。 我心想”what?‘。。。可是不夠一分鐘她又跑回來了,手上拿著一碗香噴噴 的白飯。就好像當晚我與 主 夢裡相見 的情景。 她對我說 ”你是不是作了一個飯夢了?看到主與祂的白飯?來吧! 不要多說,先吃飯吧!“ 事不宜遲地, 我把 飯吃了。 道謝後就回家了。 然後那 天下午的 練習,我覺得充滿力量,自信與鬥志回來了。 從此之後,每逢我們有練習或是比賽,我們都會整隊人一起去好好吃一頓飯 。再一起搏殺去。我們就是這樣,一直殺到了這個季度。

reporter pigpig: wow~是真的嗎?多謝你跟我們透露這麼一個大秘技!好了我也該去吃碗飯吧!那麼你們今天的賽事就加油吧!好了我們今天的訪問就道此為止。希望大家今天晚上會一手拿著一碗飯,一邊為canucks打氣吧!alright let's get the rice cookin and wait for the big game to start!

_______
- the memoirs of Fan Tong and Pigpig, under the influence of rice


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gakuen alice!! ...again! XD

i'm sure i have so many better things i could've been updating here about... but... i'm not gonna!!!!! instead....

i feel like re-re-re-re-re-expressing my love for natsume and all the other awesome characters. ;________: the more i read the more i like him... ♥♥♥ now if only he were real and if he weren't gonna die ...... and if only we all went to school together.. starting wit elementary of course... and if only (insert whole story here) happened... XD

yup~.. i'm ... reading gakuen alice again.... =______=,, wat made me do it.. i dont know... but i'm at it XD i really wanna read the rest of the story too..... if only it'd publish uber fast XD and if only book-off had the series i'd totally clear their shelves.... and i realize i've got a crapload of 'if's and 'if only's' in this entry =____=

and...... BEAARRRRRRRR DAAHHHHH so cute XD so totally in love~ in my fantasy world.. ha. ha.ha.

.... and other things i could've updated on would've been.... the 'distant worlds: music of final fantasy' symphony we went to seee.... which was amazingly awesome btw
and...mmmm oh~ i'm about to volunteer at my old highschool's jap 9+10 classes .. as soon as i get my crim check, and filling in the new jet applic soon..... but no ref letters ;_______: , and....hmmmmmmmmm story board! i' working on the story board for my portfolio =D super slow though OTL........

and 'm out f things to say.... time to go to bed??? @@

um... 以上!hahahahaha

Coffee with my grade 1 teacher...

Today~ gubbie and my grade 1 teacher mrs salisbury had arranged to meet up at starbucks mainly for gub to thank her for writing such an awesome reference letter for gub...

being her old student, of course i tagged along~ we sat and chatted and chatted.. and she told us many stories about her family and herself and about eye surgeries and about her sister's amazing recovery from cancer and about her granddaughters drawing and her daughters' giving birth problems and a bunch of other stuff.. amongst which.... one of the topics was what i was like when i was in grade 1...

i found it most interesting... and yet so believable.... it was the weirdest thing ever...

according to her.. i was a very "interesting" kid... (she was laughing pretty hard... so i assume she wanted to say weird :P) so of course i asked her ... 'how' was i interesting... and apparently.. i was a very... "uncensored" kid. she had a verrry hard time coming up with the word hahaha~ it was honesty in a sense i suppose? and stupidity in another? =P the story is...apparently i never knew what not to say like the other kids...

for example if i randomly kicked someone.... i would say it just like that.. i randomly kicked them. if they taunted me first then i kicked them.. i'd say that.. if i kicked them then got punched... i'd say that too... whereas other kids... other smarter kids... would've probably said something like... 'they punched me' or... 'someone pushed me' or 'i didn't see !!!' or something like that? but then again, there were times when my 'uncensoredness' proved to be a good thing.... b/c if i dind't say the thing as it was... and if the truth were later to be found out, i would've been in deeper shit? hahaha but yes... apparently i was a very enthusiastic, straight forward kid... that said the most interesting/shocking things that would you'd be taken aback.... @_______@ and apparently one of my old art teachers in gr 3?4? who passed away a few years ago, ms teller... thought i was an extremely adorable kid??? @@ i reallie liked her.. dont get me wrong... but i thought she was a little scary at times .. like.. it seemed almost like she was annoyed or pissed off at me (cause i'm so annoying?) XD so at that time even though i liked her, she wasn't my favourite...so hearing this.. was a little of a shock? =P she taught me awesome stuff like pointilism btw ;)

in any case, hearing all this... it makes me think.. maybe one of the people i look up to.. might even be myself..... my grade 1 self? =P it's an interesting thought... i think? but at the same time it's a little saddening... to think that i'd like myself from the past more... makes me feel like 'm sinking down and drowning almost... it's a weird thought... and of course i suck at swimmng so... it feels like i'd never make it back up... it's too bad eh?

but anyhow... today's inspiration....
i really really look up to her sister's attitude. she had cancer that spread very badly and it was discovered late.. the doctors even implied that it'd be hopeless..yet her mentality was... 'i'm not going to get thigns ready so that i'll die in piece.. i'm gonna keep at things as if i had another few decades' it's amazing hearing it from my teacher.. from me it seems.. 'yea like whatever'.. but im definately impressed =]
i wish you knew the me from grade 1. and i wish i were still the me in grade 1.. at least.. personality wise.

and ...i'm sure i stil have certain traits that haven't changed much.. but i wish i could be a little more... reality doesn't suit me afterall it'd seem? hmmhmmm

i miss elementary school... *sigh* i didn't like the break times of elementary until grade 6/7 reallie.... beiing such a loner... but i loved class and i loved the teachers.... and gr 6/7 bball was definately fun.... i miss it ... maybe tonight i'll see a dream of it ♡ that'd be awesome~♥
and even if i dont..at least it was nice seeing mrs salisbury again and so well~
~~

on a few random notes...

-i finally watched the anime of kuroshitsuji~! now to keep reading the manga +___+ the revival of my otaku sideかな?^_____^~
-today is Girugamesh 'crying rain' release date + YUI 'It's all too much/Never say die" release date~~ time to haunt those bt lines =w=
- i want more anime + manga +_____+ any recommendations?? =P
- gonna start working on that jet application again reaaaaaal soon =P
-... i dont wanna do my hw... TT____TT stupid story board's moving so slow.. and i suck lol

duuuut duuut duuuuu~~~♪♬
 THE NEWEST FAD WITH ME.. JUST FOR TODAY! is... WIDGETS!! not only does the name sound uber cute... it's awesome in many ways~ including that they're free

now... what about such a wonderful thing do i have to rant about?? =_____= wellll!!! being me.. i dont quite have the best of luck with d'ling softwares, technology etc etc..and i was going on a d'l rampage with widgets *halo* and it all started with wanting a multi-lingual dictionary to enhance the inbuilt english dictionary widget... 

*sigh* got a bit carried away when i went to apple.jp to peek for the dictionary... and i found a widget that i thought would be pretty awesome... until...IT DIDN"T WORK!!  and somehow i could open MULTIPLE windows of the same widget on my dashboard all at once! and then i coulndt find out how to delete it, turn it off or uninstall it so after a long while and being completely out of ideas...i went and visted the creator's site.. and it was completely.. in chinese OTL... i left him an english note... but .. uh.. right after i did that i decided to re d'l the widget so as to see if there's an uninstal option that i missed! and ... apparently it prompted me to install it.. == but reading carefully it says... if i install it again.. the current open windows of that widget will be closed +___+ now~ the awesome thing is... when you first instal it.. there's a big black box around the widget... that goes... 'keep' or... 'delete' +____ + +____+ +______________________________+ yeah that's right... i freaked out at my own awesome luck XD

so yup it's gone now.. but my god that was nerve wracking.. imagine my dashboard that's currently being fillled at a great speed with a bunch of AWESOME widgets.... that SUDDENLY got like half the screent aken over by a USELESS ONE! not to mention how much that would bug me ... but all that wasted widgety goodness space!!!!!  the horror of it all! XD

but yup i'm done ranting... sorry creator dude.. i dind't want to write you a 'i wanna delete your widget.. but i dnt know how so teach me now' kinda mssg.... i tried reaaallie hard first!!! >< 

a random topic....

 i dont like people who think they know everything about me and act all えらそう with me because of it.  >=(
and this is amplified  by a 1000 fold if i know they DONT know what they're talking about >=6 

it's such a weird topic eh? welp i actually meant to comment on that last week but i kept forgetting and something random came up earlier tonight and i remembered.  

so far... there have been 2 extreme cases that i can recall under the category of 'they dont know jack' and 2 under the 'they might have a clue' part

to keep it mostly vague.. the 2 extreme cases thus far, have both been men =___= and 2 that might have a clue are my sisters.  
now, why did i suddenly want to talk about this last week? welp... what else, one of the extreme cases contacted me last week wheni was over at a friend's and it's all good... nothing much wrong... the only thing is i felt bad cuz my friend was pretty.. 無奈cuz i just suddenly got tied up in a call and no matter what i hinted or told the dude onthe other end that i have to talk later, he wouldn't take a hint = = sheeeesh.  

and then when i finally got the point across taht i need to go... it's all good again...right? or so i thought.

he goes and makes a comment saying something along the lines of '你gum是想要我追你zeh~'  like.. what? excuse me? when did i say that? and what did i say to mislead you huh?  i even questioned him.. 'ha? what did you say?' just to make sure but he gives me that 'oh無野〜!無野。。’ bullshit??  excuse me??? even if i heard wrong, that second part finished it.  dont give me that kinda crap please.  and 追追聲 aren't you thinking a bit too much? i never asked for it.    and i wont be either.  because i can't stand that "i know what you're thikning and i know exactly what you want and i know more about you than you know about yourself" kinda attitude. seriously? what do you know?  especially him.. he hasn't seen me over 10 days total in the span of the last 4 years.  infact, lets extend it.. i bet its been 6 years since i last saw him for the 11th time backtracking.  what can he possibly know so much about me that i dont know about myself?  not to mention.. even back then, i never once believed he knew more about me than i knew... he always gave that 'i know everything about you' attitude...yet.. you know? i actually might consider him to be one of those who know the least about me.... ironic? everytime he voiced his 'i know what you're thinking and it's this isn't it:?' thoughts... it's proved to be uber wrong

it's so stupid. i dont even know why i get so fired up over things like this... but DARGH it annoys me so much. and i dont want to go to his face and tell him.. 'like hell you know' but it rreally drives me crazy that b/c i dont do that, they'l keep on going on with the 'i know everything' act.. like seriously... stop it. i'm not an open book. 

on the other hand.. its my turn to read that open book.  i have a feeling.. his 'i know you are thinking this' act... is just his way of convincing himself that's what i'm thinking/want to make things more convenient for himself.  but hah. sorry. not happening.  

dargh sorry.. i dont mean to ramble and bad talk someone like this... but i need it out of my system if i dont wanna blow up at him the next time he pulls another mind reading move.. =____=  sorries~!! m(=___=)m





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 Vampireって悲しい物語しかないみたいだね。。。恋して悪魔をさっき見終わったんだけど。。いいシリーズだったね。主人公もイケメンだし
けど。。。先からずっと思ってたの。。。悲しい存在って、寂しい存在って、そして後悔しちゃいそうな存在だってこと。。。ていうか後悔でもしちゃったら多分永遠にし続けて行くだろうね。。

それに、もし最初からvampireにはなりたくなかったけど選択がないからなってしまったとしてか、自分にとって大切な人たちをvampireの苦しさにさせ込みたくなくてそういった人たちがどれぐらい一緒にvampireになろうと言っても我慢し、否定し、そして身続くことしかできないし、枯れて行く人たちを次々この世界から消えるのをこれからいくつも見てしまう。寂しい存在か悲しい存在だとしか思えない。

また、もし自分にとって大切な人たちの血を吸ってしまったら、後悔するのもおかしくないでしょう。吸われた人たちがもしいつかvampireになったことに後悔し、自分を責めることになってしまった場合や、自分のせいで自分にとって大切な人たちを永遠に苦しませた責任を背負うのも後悔すべきことだとしか思えないけど吸わない方も後悔しちゃいそうな選択だ。相手も吸われたがってたが吸わなかったら、永遠に孤独さを背負うことになっちゃう。相手もそうなのかもしれないがvampireの方がずっと悲しいだろう。

ロマンチックな話ならたぶん永遠一緒にいられるって言うんですけど、最近何となくrealist名考え方に影響された聖なのかもしれないが、そういう時にもまだ幸せだと言える?楽しむことって永遠にやってもうんざりしないの?まったぶん。。。ちょーラブラブだったら。。。悩むこともないし、多分続けるかな。。。喧嘩しても永遠って言うのは思えないほど長いから。。いつか仲直りできるだろうね?

あなたがvampireだったらどうする?また大事な誰かがもし急にvampireになっちゃったらどうする?

僕はね今考えれば。。。。。多分一番悲しませない死に方で死んだふりして、埋められるまで死んだふりする。そして大切な人たちが死ぬまで見守り続き、僕にとって大切な人たちが一人もいなくなったら自殺しちゃうかな。。永遠に皆が失ったことを悲しむなんてひどすぎるし、生き終わらない命でいき続いたら、いずれは死を怖がらなくなって、死を求めるはずと思うから多分最後は死を選ぶんだね。あっでもできれば、自分の年を取る姿の変装でもできれば皆と年を取っていくことができるかもしれないね!それができれば、皆がなくなった後、僕はそう、自殺しちゃうと思うね。もちろん自分には結婚する自由は自分が奪うけど。あ〜そうだたぶん。。。。医者さんか看護婦さんにもなった方がいいね〜!!血が得れるからね〜!

今日は何んで変なことばかり言ってんだ僕〜!!XD たぶん眠すぎたせい?そうだったら。。。うん。。ここに書いてるのは。。チェックしてないからたぶん。。。めちゃくちゃで間違いだらけで分かりにくいかも。けど。。怠け者なんだからチェックはしたくないね今日〜www
じゃあ今日はここまでにしょうね!

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self-satisfying practices..

 would i be considered slightly sadistic if i said.... my fingers hurt right now.. but it's a very satisfying pain? o___o... 

i was playing guitar again... and.. i guess i might've overshot a little... this new song i'm trying.. doesn't have hard chords or anything.. but it slides around and pivots a lot.. so it hurts more than i thought it would.. esp the thumb! omg.. my thumb never hurts from guitaring @___@ i guess i was rubbing it around too much to pivot??... but whatever this isn't about my guitaring.....

this is about the results of my guitaring of the day!!!! >=D

today... i have thickened ... are they called calluses?? those thingies! =D swullen finger tips! peeling calluses! and what feels like a future water-filled bubble under my skin tat i dont know the name of! a numb butt, 2 bloodrushed legs and...... 2 new chords, and most likely 98% of a new song =].... though i can't memorize as usual =]

sope! even with the pain that comes with it... i feel so satisified about it... it's like... if i dnt feel the pain.. i dont feel like i've played today.. @@ is that.. considered... sadistic?? @______@ >=D da-ha-ha-ha..... okay no. i'll stop my creepiness here tonight :P

on another note,  i'm gonna do some watercolouring tonight!! i randomly rememberd one of the lyrics i wrote (refer to one of first posts...@@) that i never posted here... and then a random picture flew into my head... so lets hope i can reproduce it.. =P and while i remembered that one set of lyrics.... i decided.. to see what was the last stuff i wrote.. apparently it wasn't as long ago as i thought ..@@ it was actualy from...march 14 2009 @___@ 

and infact.. since we're on this rare(?) topic i might as well post a few of them... even though i said i'd post them all here...the rest will come.. maybe =P............... oh dear... now the world will know how dumb i am *siiiigh*

so let's go backwards today =]....

march 14 2009
People in my life---

Sitting in my room, all alone
I'm thinking of all those people that once walked through my life.
Some stayed longer than others,
some left an impression on me,
and some i believe will never leave.

Every now and then, I will stop to ponder
About all the people who i once spent my every day with
About all the people who've passed me by
and about all the people in my everyday now

It's sad but we all have to keep going
Some people may remember me and the time we've septn
and some people may just forget about me as they meet more important people
But i hope, no matter if they remember or not, 
That they find those who they wish to have stay with them.
And i wish for them to never have to feel the pain of being lonely and forgotten by their loved ones.

As people walk in my life,
I've slowly come to ask this question...
"will you be willing to stay?"
because i'm so afraid of saying "good-bye',
So afraid of being alone
So afraid of losing those close to me
But

It's sad but we all have to keep going
Some people may remember me and the time we've spent
and some people may just forget about me as they meet more important people
But i' hope, no matter if they remember or not, 
that they find those who they wish to have stay with them
And i wish for them to never have to feel the pain,
of being lonely and forgotten by their loved ones.

December 2, 2008
Now

Why do you look so sad?
You must be thinking about the past again aren't you?

Time waits for no one, but we have to wait for time
Some things never seem fair
But don't you think, it's nice this way?
We can't stop during the times of bliss
But we're forced out of painful moments.
because time waits for no one.

Why do you look so troubled?
Stop thikning about the infinite "if's" that only one is true of

Time waits for no one, so if you keep pondering the if's , 
time will pass you by
Don't you think it's nice this way?
we can't stall on pointless matters
and we're forced to move through the difficult ones.
Because time waits for no one.

So go ahead and put a smile on your face.
Look up to the world and run as fast as you can

Let's try to race time.
Let's run off through those moments of pain
Run off into your times of joy
to pause for a rest
and let time catch up.

Because time waits for no one, but everyone has to wait for time.


Nov. 30 ,2008
Eteternal flame---Deep slumber

The other day, a thought occurred to me like none before.

Life is short.  But what comes after?

Someone once told me , he's just sleeping.
A sleep he wont be waking up from---not here at least.
And i thought to myself:

     I hope he dreams of wonderful things 
     Wonderful things and wonderful people,
     in a beautiful place

But the other day, a thought occurred to me like none before
Life is short. But what comes after?

If i end up in one of those dreamless nights.
A sleep that i would never awake from ever again,--not anywhere.
And i thought to myself:
     If it were to be an empty dream, full of nothingness
     I hope it to be one where you never felt the time slip by.
     If i were to have an empty dream

But i still felt unease.
Dreamless nights drain your wariness.
Preparing you for the next morning.
But what if there were no more tomorrows?

I can only wish, that if i were to have a dark empty dream,
that in the wonderful dreams of others,
they would dream of me in the same beautiful place,
for as long as the dream shall last.

*undated**note: testpiece 2008*
←Light-years Away→

You had it all, my dear,
But you lost it.
You didn't treasure what you had,
and now that you've lost it, you want it back you say?
Well

Tough luck dear, 'cause you had your chance
and now, even if you come crying back to me, 
i'll tell you...

no no no no no no no no
you had your chance but you threw it all away.
I gave it my best shot, but you were up on your throne
so now all i have to say to you is
no no no no no no no no, you lost your chance
so now i'm millions of light-years away, from you

It's time to stop your superficial acts dear,
'cause we all know, and it wont work on us no more
Your place on the throne was short
Your tricks of old, outdated

And now you try coming back to me.
But tough luck dear, 'cause you had your chance
and now, all i have to say to you is...

no no no no no no no no, i've moved on from those days way back in time
cause you said "no no no no no no no no, i moved on so get out of here right now"
Believe it or not, you're no longer my 'Dearest", dear,
There may be a vacancy, but its no longer there for you.
You lost your throne in my heart when you told me you left me behind
But now, I'm light-years away from you
Catch up if you can, but no------- i doubt you could.

*undated*
Summer Breeze

Stretch a bit, 
Yawn a little,
The sunlight's just pouring in through the curtains
What am i still doing in bed?
It's a beautiful day today

Walk into the kitchen, still in my pj's
I feel like making pancakes today

It's 10 am and I'm ready to head out
Opening my door and looking into the clear blue sky,
I feel like I'm swimming as the sunlight rushes into the house
But oh! Better watch my step!

Swimming into the open air, still slightly dreaming,
I feel like going on an adventure or something.

Arriving at a random bus stop,
Maybe i'll jump on the third bus that stops by.
I'm feeling adventurous afterall.
I think i'll stay on, until whenever i feel like getting off.
I wonder where that'll be?

Open the window by me, to get a clearer view
Maybe I'll get off... in 5 minutes from now?

walking around in an unfamiliar area, i see something interesting!
It's like treasure hunting all of a sudden
I feel so excited.

But after all that excitement i suddenly hear a drum playing nearby...
Is that a hot dog stand!?

Walking around with a hot dog now in my mouth,
...most likely with ketchup, mustard and relish somewhere on my face or clothes,
Drifting by a field of brilliant green,
Where'd that novel i'm sure i had with me?

Floating on top of the grass, the inviting quiet wind brushes past me, ruffling my pages a little
Maybe i'll take a nap here before finding my way home.

I feel like i fould do all this again
Maybe I should invite you along with me next time!


*undated*
Prying eyes

Stand up straight
Stand up tall
Stand up with your  chin held high
That's right, be proud to show the world
just who you are.

Sick of caring about what others say
I'll do what i think is me
Whatever's right for me.

I can glide through the streets with
strapped on skate boards, one on each foot (I'll master it somehow)
like roller blades but cooler, uniquer,
Me-er

What is it this time they say?
"it looks stupid like this
doesn't suit you one bit"

I can sit in a french restaurant (if i can pay up)
wearing torn jeans, ripped t's and hole-y shoes
and say, "hey, it's the latest toe aeration system.
Didn'cha know?"

Cause, dont you find it limiting?
I sure do.
I wanna show the world what i'm like,
What i'm into, what i believe in.
I wanna unbind myself from all these restrictions
That are forced upon me all the time

So? who cares what they say?
As long as you bring no harm to yourself or others, 
Sick of caring about what others say
I'll do what i think is me
whatever's right for me

Just to be me-er.

*undated*(sometime 2 years +?ago)
- Earphones - 

Lalala yi yaye~
Walking down the street like I would every other day,
I realise a common thing between may of us
Old and young, boys and girls.

Everyone's walking with a certain beat to their steps
Rhythmically carrying out their daily tasks

Lalala hey yiyaye~
In the bus, people commute to and from numerous places.
And I realise a common thing between many of us
Sitting or standing, Awake or asleep.

Everyone's traveling with a certain beat to their journey
Rhythmically going about places as they normally would.

Woah woah woh-oh
Pondering through my trip i believe i've found it
I finally realize the real thing that's bonding us
In our ears, we have a plug//(G.P)

The plug that's not blooking sound out,
but in.
Locking the music we like inside of our bodies
We subconsciously walk with a beat in our steps,
Rhythmically tapping our feets and fingers occasionally
hm~~m

la di da di da~~~
I ponder again, what is everyone listening to?
Could that old lady sitting calmly in the bus be listening to pop?
Could that young boy over by the phonebooth be listening to classical?

I wonder if anybody's listening to the same song as me

Walking down a street with a certain beat to their steps,
the same beat as me,
rhythmically carrying out their daily life,
the same rhythm as mine.

Da di dum da di dum~
I wonder what everyone's listening to
Behind those mysterious ear plugs that lock sound in.

la la la la la ~~ ya yi yeah~~

...... okay overdosing... let's stop there today... @____@ 

.... my goodness... it's embarassing how if i think about it... i wrote these ones right here... not tooo long ago @@ OTL faillllll XD
 

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life is amazing after all

 first of all, i'd like to say a huge 'Welcome to the world Kaikai' to my newborn godson Kai. 

although the concerns i have previously been ranting on and on about are mostly still present, this post isn't about that.  This post is about what i thought of my trip to the women's hospital the past day.

the story goes as last night around 1:25 am, fishie called me and said that her water broke.   i was obviously panicking when i heard that and we decided that even though the doctor said not to go to the hospital yet, just go first.  inside my mind i remembered what sheila toldme about her niece being a bit... on the dry side when she was born because her sister-in-law had the water drained before delivering....so of course i said go in first.

Hiroki came to pick me up while helen's dad drove her in the minivan, to women's hospital.  hiroki was pretty nervous i could tell no matter how much he tried to pt up a front.. he drove to vgh by accident and didn't even notice until i told him.   he seemed to be quite tense.

anyhow, we made our way down the the women's hospital, and she went in and came back out.. and was told to walk a bit  because she hadnt dilated enough and that contractions weren't frequent enough.  so we walked and walked and eventually helen got tired so we went back inside and then went back to her bed, and then was told by the nurse that one of hte other nurses will be coming to get her to her private delivery room in around 30 minutes.

nothing new much for a while after that... we went to an UBER nice room where she would have a bed, a sink with cupboards all around and medical equipment etc all with an amazing washroom area.  the washroom area had a huge bathtub with seat and all for them and a toilet, separated from the room with a curtain.

(she used the bath to ease her contractions, but afterwards, apparently they said no bath or shower for a month??? iono man~ my mom told me she didn't do that :P)


anyways, so, we waited with her, and the nurse with her, was super nice.  she stayed with us the whole time until around 5 or 7 ? and then her shift was over, but when she was here, she kept helping us out, and taught us how to calm the stress on helen's body by giving her back rubs, giving her laughing gas, and reminding her to breath deeply.. then the next nurse came along and she seemed a little less friendly at first but actually, she's quite nice =] she seemd a little disapproving when she saw how young and child-like the new parents-to-be were
but she lightened up along the way it seemed... my the predjudice they'll have to face.. but in another sense, that might strengthen them? 

so time passed and helen's contractions got more frequently and a lot stronger.  the nurse checked her dilation and said she was now at 7 cm. but not much longer helen was already feeling the need to push.. and uh.... they dindt expect it to happen that fast =P they quickly called for her doctor to come in but that wasn't happening fast enough.. we were lucky one of the nurses had the right to receive the baby since helen couldn't wait for her doctor.. but anyways.. the head was starting to poke out and meanwhile we had to snap her legs together constantly and make sure she didnt' try to push.. (is this getting a little graphic? sorrie)  but in the end, they decided forget it, we've waited long enough and she can't wait any longer.  so once she started to actually push, it didn't take too long!  once the head started coming out more the doctor arrived~

as she rushed in and was putting her gloves on, she told helen.. just hold on one sec there! lemme put my gloves on! (hahaha) and then once she was there, and another few pushes~ the entire head was out in one go.  and within a second or maybe two, the rest of the body came out .  from my perspective, because at the last second they lifted the baby up, it seemed like a rocket just shot out of her haha~ she prolly wouldn't appreciate that kind of stupid comment now would she? :P  meanwhile while she was just starting to push, i distinctly remember telling her to think of it as taking a really satisfying dump... at least that slightly lightened the mood up for the soon-to-be-happy-family-of-3~ =P she even confirmed my statement afterwards saying that it was true hurrhurr yeah i'm an idiot = =

so the rest of the day, people kept popping in to congratulate the new parents and give the newborn a good poke in the cheek =]

this night, felt so miraculous to me--in a whole new sense than what the parents most likely felt...

somehow, it seemed like helen's body was telling me something about life and a human.. no wait... a body's instinctual reactions.  you know how people in movies always tell you to push? nuh uh. she knew when.  and even if she tried to keep her legs together, her body refused to.   and then the baby,

i totally thought, babies are so amazing.  that first breath that changed their heart's functions, that first cry that helped them clear the blood from their lungs.... and then their instincts and ability to recognize their own moms and how the learn how to suck and swallow milk...

i felt so amazed.

and after the whole ordeal, i felt so perverted for looking at her breastfeed... give birth etc.....  = = but then... at the same time.... not really?
though... apparently it'd seem that helen was a little upset that the first one to see their baby wasn't her or hiroki.. but the nurses and me.   welll hiroki was about to faint actually. he was all pale and his hand was killing him(LOL) so i guess you can't quite blame him... but oh well~!!!

i guess i shall end my graphic post here? =D

-new godmom (god for short please ;) ).... ii feel so much responsibility with these 2 parents = = i'm even planning on setting up a savings account for any emergencies... i mean.. i know they wont want my money... but just iincase wouldn't hurt i hope?? =( but that's just a thought at the moment.. wait tilll i get my income first  =]


oh right, ♥godson Kai:  birth time 08:21, aug 22, 2009. ♡

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